Subaru Community

@Carver:

Ich haette gern 'ne Flasche Pommes...

CU

Jan

the boost is strong in my family. my car has it, my club has it...and my friends...yes,it's you - you've got it,too.

<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote><font size=1 face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id=quote>quote:<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>Seine frühere Blödel-Sendung (wie hiess die noch gleich..) <hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote></font id=quote><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size=2 id=quote>


War das nicht Hallervorden´s Spott-Light?

Gruss Patrick

http://www.geileKarre.de/?detail=138966

Hi all...

Nur drei Saetze:

1. Das ist nur IHRE Meinung!!!
2. Ich brauche MEHR Details!!!
3. Schreiben Sie's AUF, ich beschaeftige mich spaeter DAMIT!!!
(aus "Didi, der Doppelgaenger")

Damit kommt man locker durch's Leben!

CU

Jan

the boost is strong in my family. my car has it, my club has it...and my friends...yes,it's you - you've got it,too.

Der Surfkoenig
(die 32bit-Version des ERLKoenigs)

Wer surft so spät durch Nacht und Netze?
Es ist der User in wilder Hetze!
Er hält sein Windows fest im Arm,
und auch das Modem ist schon warm.

"Mein Windows, was birgst du so bang dein Gesicht?"
Siehst, User, du das Virus nicht?
Den Trojanerkönig mit Macro und Wurm? -
"Mein Windows - es ist nur ein Datensturm."

"Betriebssystem, komm geh mit mir!
Gar schöne Spiele spiel ich mit dir;
Manch' bunte WebSites sind an dem Strand,
und auf den Servern gibt's viel Tand."

Mein User, mein User, und hörest du nicht,
was der Virus mir leise verspricht? -
"Sei ruhig, bleibe ruhig, mein Kind;
es piepst nur das Modem, das wieder mal spinnt."

"Willst feines Windows, du mit mir gehn?
Mein Macro soll dich kitzeln schön,
meine Routinen werden die Bytes dir recht schütteln,
und löschen und deine Dateien gut rütteln!"

Mein User, mein User, und siehst du nicht dort
Trojaner's EXE am düsteren Ort? -
"Mein Windows, mein Windows, ich seh's genau;
es glimmt doch mein alter Schirm nur so grau."

"Ich liebe dich, mich reizt deine DLL;
und willst du gleich booten dann lösch ich dich schnell."
Mein User, mein User, die Platte läuft an!
Trojaner hat mir ein Leid angetan!

Dem Surfer graust's, er klickt geschwind,
und in der Leitung das Bit gerinnt;
er kappt die Verbindung mit Müh' und Not,
jedoch zu spät - der Bildschirm bleibt tot.

CU

Jan

the boost is strong in my family. my car has it, my club has it...and my friends...yes,it's you - you've got it,too.

Ein Professor der Thermodynamik stellt seinen Studenten des 8. Semesters eine Hausaufgabe, die aus einer Frage besteht: "Ist die Hoelle Exotherm (=gibt Hitze ab) oder Endotherm (=nimmt Hitze auf)? Beweisen Sie Ihre Antwort."

Die meisten Studenten benutzten als Beweis Boyle's Gesetz (Gas kuehlt ab, wenn es sich ausdehnt, und erwaermt sich, wenn es komprimiert wird) und begruendeten so ihre Antworten.

Ein Student jedoch schrieb folgendes:
"Zuerst muessen wir wissen, wie sich die Masse der Hoelle ueber den Zeitraum x aendert. Dazu muessen wir wissen, in welcher Menge Seelen zur Hoelle fahren, und in welcher Menge Seelen die Hoelle wieder verlassen. Nehmen wir an, dass keine Seele jemals die Hoelle wieder verlassen wird, also die Masse der Hoelle nicht abnimmt. Um nun festzulegen, in welcher Menge Seelen zur Hoelle fahren, werfen wir einen Blick auf die dominierenden Religionen der Welt: Einige dieser Religionen bestehen darauf, dass die Seele eines Menschen, der nicht dieser Religion angehoert, automatisch zur Hoelle faehrt. Da es mehrere solcher Religionen gibt, und jeder Mensch nur einer Religion angehoert, koennen wir davon ausgehen, dass alle Seelen zur Hoelle fahren. Angesichts der heutigen Geburten- und Sterberaten muessen wir von einem exponentiellen Wachstum der Hoelle ausgehen. Betrachten wir nun die Veraenderung des Volumens der Hoelle, so stellen wir fest, dass sich Boyle's Gesetz zufolge die Hoelle ausdehnen muss, damit Temperatur und Druck in der Hoelle gleichbleiben, waehrend die Menge der Seelen zunimmt.

Demzufolge bleiben 2 Moeglichkeiten:

1: Wenn sich die Hoelle langsamer ausdehnt, als Seelen zur Hoelle fahren, dann erhoehen sich Druck und Temperatur in der Hoelle solange, bis wir die Hoelle auf Erden haben.

2. Wenn sich die Hoelle schneller ausdehnt, als Seelen zur Hoelle fahren, dann fallen Druck und Temperatur, bis die Hoelle einfriert.

Was ist nun die richtige Loesung? Wenn wir von der Prognose ausgehen, die mir Frau Christine Meier waehrend meines ersten Semesters ausstellte, naemlich, dass die Hoelle einfrieren muss, ehe sie freiwillig mit mir schlaeft, und weiterhin die Tatsache in Betracht ziehen, dass es mir seitdem nicht gelungen ist, Sex mit ihr zu haben, dann muss 2 falsch sein. Also ist die Hoelle exotherm."

Dieser Student hat die einzige 1 bekommen.

CU

Jan

the boost is strong in my family. my car has it, my club has it...and my friends...yes,it's you - you've got it,too.

Hey Jan, Deine Witze sind echt klasse! Da hab ich nur etwas primitiveres entgegenzusetzen ..

Warum furzen Männer besser, als Frauen?
Frauen können nicht lange genug den Mund halten um den nötigen Druck aufzubauen...

@Raki:

lol... dann ist der Mund bei den Maedels sozusagen das Pop-off Ventil zur Begrenzung des Ladedrucks, oder wie?

CU

Jan

the boost is strong in my family. my car has it, my club has it...and my friends...yes,it's you - you've got it,too.

eigentlich kein Witz... eher etwas woran man(n) sich halten sollte... sorry, gibt's nur auf Änglisch

geklaut (copy/paste) von www.maximonline.com Habe das Magazin mal in meinen Ferien in den US of A entdeckt und gleich abonniert. Deutsche Version mittlerweile auch erhältlich, aber is niemals das gleiche wie das Original!!!
© 2001 MaximNet, Inc.

The Code


Moses had his commandments. Hippocrates had his oath. But the sacred code of conduct binding all men has always been unwritten…until now.

Maxim

By Steven Russell and Alex Straus



Ever since some Neanderthal hunter first broke wind in an unventilated cave, guys have cautioned their buddies against violating certain behavioral guidelines. But despite evidence of a set of underlying universal laws—“shotgun” is “shotgun” wherever you go—it’s never been possible to consult an actual written document to settle those tricky points of drinking/scamming/rocks-paper-scissors etiquette. That has all changed.

Maxim’s Division of Archeological Science, excavating the tomb of Emperor Belchuus the Lawgiver, has made a stunning discovery. Deep beneath a solid-gold hot tub packed with mummified midgets was found “The Code”: an ancient 40-volume compendium of guy-centric commandments. The sacred laws within not only address the questions of a bygone era (how many concubines are needed in the afterlife?) but eerily foretell the thorny issues of our age. Here we reveal a selection for the enlightenment of guys everywhere. As it is written, so let it be done!


Rule #1: Thou shalt not rent Chocolat.

Rule #6: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Rule #85 (The Sergeant Schultz Rule): When queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

Rule #212: Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Rule #404: Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move furniture: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move furniture: You’d rather stay home and watch Speed Buggy reruns.

Rule #723 (The Tuxedo Cloaking Rule): A best-man toast must not include any of the following phrases: “down in Tijuana,” “improbably booting out his nose,” “mostly scabbed over,” or “energetic Greco-Roman cluster****.”

Rule #959: You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bull****. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)

Rule #1,073: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Rule #1,219: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Rule #1,476: The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1–10 scale.

Rule #1,699: Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature’s unsuitable.

Rule #1,862: A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own—weed whacker, car, firstborn child—with 12 hours’ notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don’t notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free.

Rule #2,284 (The Patton Principle): Falling on a grenade for a buddy (i.e., agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up bonking the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

Rule #2,475: Do not torpedo single friends: If you’re married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, “So, when are you two gonna walk the plank?” Punishment: Following the assembly instructions for your rug rats’ toys for two years.

Rule #2,500: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

Rule #2,650 (The Hand-off Catechism): Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return, is required to grant it. But he’s fully within his rights to say, “Man, are you gonna love the way she licks your testicles.”

Rule #2,738: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

Rule #2,811: If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem—you didn’t see nothin’.

Rule #2,901: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best buddy’s birthday is strictly optional.)

Rule #3,462: The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flights of stairs) ÷ dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at that hot new neighbor chick.

Rule #3,730: You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Rule #4,671: While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals’ significant dickheads—low-level sports bonding is all the law requires. (Sorry, ladies: It’s called a double standard because it’s twice as true.)

Rule #5,294: Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

Rule #5,649: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

Rule #5,888 (The Mercy Rule): When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

Rule #6,172 (Gas Warfare Act): You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you’ve brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

Rule #6,521: It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach…and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.

Rule #6,876: When in a bar that has a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend does not need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit.)

Rule #7,104: Only in a situation of mortal and/or ass peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

Rule #7,105: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

Rule #7,718 (The Body Heat Rule): A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Rule #7,847: The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think What this guy needs is a good ass-whupping, you may stand back and enjoy.

Rule #8,000: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

Rule #8,174 (The Golden Rule): Move your feet, lose your seat. This rule has survived many challenges and supersedes all childish “pee breaks are safe” local ordinances.

Rule #8,416: When picking players for a sports team, it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes—as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sidelines.

Rule #8,421: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

Rule #8,580: Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.

Rule #8,754: Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

“Yeah, baby, push it!”

“C’mon, give me one more! Harder!”

“Another set and we can hit the showers.”

“Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?”

Rule #8,812: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.

Rule #8,820: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible “I recognize you” nod is all the conversation you need.

Rule #8,911: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you’re able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; hang up if necessary.

Rule #9,048: You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor’s broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

Rule #9,076: When receiving oral sex while driving, always:

Wear your seat belt.

Close the sunroof.

Smile.

Make extended eye contact with as many women in other cars as possible.

Rule #9,210: If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it’s the chorus to “Wooly Bully.” Better response: Tell him to shut his pie hole.

Rule #9,374: If you catch your woman screwing your best friend, let your state’s crimes-of-passion laws be your guide.

Rule #9,481: When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid, either.

Rule #9,546: Things you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SATs, and your resumé. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.

Rule #9,601: Before allowing a drunken pal to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “**** off!” you are absolved of responsibility. Remember: Later on you will have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

Rule #9,750 (The Skank Rule): You may swear friends to secrecy about a sexual escapade only if there’s a chance the woman in question will become your girlfriend. If you’re imprudent enough to get caught bagging an undesirable female, then the anecdote will stay in the guy public domain right through your bachelor party. Don’t beg; it’s unseemly.

Rule #9,806: The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Rule #9,998: Always split aces and eights. No arguments.


TEARJERKERS!

In which of the following situations is it OK to cry?

a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game.
e. When you accidentally slice off your head in a bandsaw, again.
f. When your date is using her teeth.

answer: all of the above



FIRE STARTER!

When, if ever, is it acceptable to assist a buddy who’s flailing on fire-starting duty?

a. Never—he’s on his own.
b. When you’ve emptied an entire Schlitz since he last made progress.
c. Only when he’s on the verge of resorting to higher technology—i.e., if he’s pulling out lighter fluid, you can restack it correctly and light a match.
d. When your girlfriend starts giving you that look.

answer: c




*Wer in obigem Text Rechtschreibefehler findet, darf sie behalten!*
Anyone for a little "Ghost Recon" or "Return to Castle Wolfenstein"?